Layman’s guide – Part 1

Range Rover Evoque

A Gerry McGovern special. Gerry, please get some smaller pens. Every line and suage and feature is overstated, and a bit too big, apart from the rear quarters and back window. I know it’s macho to raise the belt line, but the idea of having glass is to actually see out of the car. I guess metal is cheaper than glass.

Plastic, even chrome-effect plastic is even cheaper. So that’s why there are so many blingy bits, Grills (real and fake), slots, undertrays (all fake). There is no need, Gerry. The overall shape is iconic and unique. Keep it clean

Oh Ok, JLR have convinced the buying public that they should pay £x000 more if it does have all that “style”. Hmmmmm

Land Rover Discovery 5

Now, Gerry, which spectacles did you have on when you signed this off ? Those distorting ones, I reckon. That bulbous front end, which would frighten other road users out of the way, but abaft of the C pillar, it looks like its cheeks are squeezed in, and the metal has to go somewhere ie upwards. Too narrow, too tall. And the roof actually slips down rearwards too. Ungainly or what ? A brute. “I’m a heavy car so I’m damn well going to look like it.”

Now, Gerry, which spectacles did you have on when you signed this off ? Those distorting ones, I reckon. That bulbous front end, which would frighten other road users out of the way, but abaft of the C pillar, it looks like its cheeks are squeezed in, and the metal has to go somewhere ie upwards. Too narrow, too tall. And the roof actually slips down rearwards too. Ungainly or what ? A brute. “I’m a heavy car so I’m damn well going to look like it.”

And the rear number plate is squiffy. Baffling. OK so it is homage to previous generations. Leave it. Move on.

Land Rover Discovery Sport

Now that’s how to do it, Gerry. It’s a capable off-roader…but isn’t trying hard to be rufty tufty. No extra shiny bits; beautiful C-pillar blending in to pert rear end. I fear the 2019 version has caught the “Grrrrr. I’m going to squash you with my massive front end”. Also those shares in the black plastic mines need bolstering, so lets add some more blank grills. Ah well. Sometimes the original is best.

Talking of C pillars….

Austin Montego

Just look at it. Oh dear the waist line doesn’t match up to the boot level. Never mind; let’s have a lop-sided C-pillar and call it a feature. If we make all the window surrounds black, maybe people won’t notice them.

And what about the waistline ? About 4” of plastic between window and lower door. Why ? Because someone decided to put a concave channel in there, meaning the windows had to be a long way inboard. Flush glazing ? Never heard of it.

As it was said at the time, “A car designed by a committee that never met “. So true

Mind you, one of my favourite care was its sister model, the MG Maestro. Not the one with the non-functioning digital dashboard, but the 2-litre injection rorty one. Competed with a BMW 3 series of the time on a “race” in the Scottish hills. No contest.  

Vauxhall Signum

A large hatchback before such cars were a thing. As it was said“Quite a good answer to a question that nobody asked”. They didn’t buy them either.

Whatever happened to Vauxhall? Decades of not-quite-as-good-as Ford, a few decent efforts (latest Insignia and Astra – crisp, some style, mildly aspirational), and now enveloped by PSA. That man Carlos Tavares usually knows what he is doing, so there is hope.

 Kai C’eed…or any other modern Kia

We are a cheapo Korean car maker, We want to grow to be a world player, and distinctive brand, so let’s hire the best people, particularly designers. Where should we look ?

Which car company has had consistently the most design-based success, with clear…if Russian doll…brand recognition ? “That’s an Audi; don’t know which one, but who cares ? I am a successful person, blending Bauhaus cool with Germanic efficiency”.  Step forward Peter Schreyer. This man is a genius. All his cars are neat, stylish, recognisable, with just enough pizzaz for markets where they are seduced by that sort of thing (ie all of them). C’eed is the best, because it is a bog-standard hatchback, not an OTT SUV, or crossover lifestyle-enhancing middle-aged crisis vehicle.

Mini

Not the original one; form-dictated-by-function. I imagine Alec Issigonis in his shed sketching this out around the engine, people, wheels orientation he had decided on. Crash-worthiness ? HaHa. Joyous ? You bet. Profitable for BL ? Never. They were still cobbling them together at Longbridge in the 90s. Roughly. Something to do with tooling that belonged in a museum, and no money for new models.

No, I mean the 2001 Frank Stephenson work of art. True to the heritage without being a pastiche. Instantly recognisable as a new mini. I persuaded my wife to swap her VW Golf ( JC is correct, it’s all the car you’ll ever need ) for a silver Cooper S. Lovely car. Just so right from every angle. Every mile a smile. Until the bone shaking from that insanely solid suspension over our cul-de-sac’s sleeping policemen became too much. Now she has an Audi A3.

Unfortunately successive generations have dissipated the style, seemingly by attaching a powerful air pump to the exhaust and blowing hard so that every dimension and feature is enlarged. Except for the 5-door one, where they have squeezed the sides and the air has had to expand backwards, making it a bit too long. And they still call it a Mini. At least it is not trying to be an overgrown tonka toy like big brother Countryman. “Let’s make the biggest Mini we can; load it up with odd shapes (headlights), false grilles (everywhere), flashing lights (around the oversized retro instrument binnacle); Kerrrching; £30k+ every time.” A big car pretending to be a small one. Size isn’t everything.