Layman’s guide – part 3

Honda Civic

Honda has always prided itself on being at the cutting edge of design.

The modern Civic certainly has the edges. But it’s the misproportions that dominate. These designers have used their entire cupboard-full of shapes, contours, grilles, bumps, and references…all on one car! And none of them fit together. Try switching the design studio lights on before signing off on the shape next time, guys

Merc CLS 2010-2018

Beautiful or what ? those smooth curves of window-lines and roof; feline light clusters, star-spoke wheels under bulging arches. Who cares that underneath it is a bog-standard E-class ? And with an AMG-honed V6 it goes like a leopard too. An all-time favourite. Oh ….and I own one. No bias, obviously.

Rover 800

King Harold of Musgrove anointed this as the most beautiful of cars at its launch.

He also said that if customers didn’t see things the same way, and didn’t purchase one, they were very much in the wrong. Interesting marketing strategy. This car is a clear example of design-by-ruler. Clean, but slightly misshaped, perhaps due to the japanese-imposed width restriction; quite a handicap for a car made for portly executives. The subsequent cost-constrained facelift involved sticking on a Rover grille, smoothing off a few edges, and adding a coupe and an SD1-homage fastback. The death knell was probably when Margaret Thatcher decided £19k was too much for a Rover, and she and Dennis could have a Jaaaaag for a similar price

Modern Mazdas vs Citroens

Why do Mazda insist on marketing their cars as something ethereal called Jinba Ittai (a sense of oneness between car and driver ) that taps into strange oriental spiritual vibes ? Face it, chaps, your cars are quite ordinary, a bit bulbous, mid-market at best, even with Skyhook suspension. Apart from the engineering cul-de-sac of those zany rotary-engined gas-guzzling maintenance-intensive coupes that is.   Has anyone ever said “I’ve gotta get a Mazda, then I’ll have real status and life-satisfaction” ?

If you want to know what out of the ordinary looks like, then peruse the Citroen back-catalogue….

The C6. Concave rear window. Additional internal glass partition behind the back seats. Unique squashed buttock effect at the tail to avoid length penalties on ferries, due to gargantuan front overhang that beggars belief.

A 21^st century DS19 they thought. Including the complexity and generous interpretation of “reliability”.    

Let’s give PSA credit, though. They developed the DS5 as a successor. Just as many idiosyncrasies on a saner platform creating its own niche as a sports-hatch-exec-tourer.  Or when it started off as a concept car …the “Sport-Lounge”. Fabulous.

Ford Fusion (2002)

I once hired a Ford Fusion to transport me and a colleague between Milan and Turin. I have rarely been more embarrassed, amongst the racy Alfas, battered Fiats pretending to be on the San Remo rally, and occasional cool Lancia. The Fusion is…

(i) The ugliest, tinniest car ever inflicted on unsuspecting middle-aged couples wooed into a bargain by their local Ford dealer needing to offload the stock before month -end

(ii) Gutless, plasticky, bone-shaking, noisy, ill-conceived transportation for hat-wearing style-averse aficionados of bland

Ford marketed the Fusion as an ‘Urban Activity Vehicle’; the Fusion tag is their attempt to cover up the lack of clarity in what it actually is, being neither small hatchback, MPV or SUV. Wierdly it lasted 10 years, and sold in 50 countries. There must be a lot of car-hating poorly-sighted tall people out there, and some brilliant Ford salesman.